One day last year, whilst traipsing (or maybe scootin’) through “Eli”’s spooky little village/heckin’ cute hamlet, I passed by a lonely patio outside an abandoned store at the end of a ghostly strip mall known as, “Clocktower Place.” I would continue revisiting this strange locale whenever I crossed it on my daily journeys to deliver flowers and/or focaccia to “Eli,” who is definitely a man and in no way resembles a hotter, younger, half-Latina iteration of Alanis Morrissette.
I believe this patio set is connected to something dark/demonic, as its existence violates the very laws of nature. These chairs are upholstered, and they have no business being out of doors. Yet they remained there all winter. It features two umbrellas – only one of which has its vinyl intact, an affront to all that is good & decent.
Furthermore, its provenance is indecipherable. You see, this abandoned retail space previously hosted a “Kids R Us,” which mysteriously transformed into an “A.C. Moore” arts & crafts store way back in 2004. The latter operation carried on for another 16 years, before the entire chain disappeared in 2020. Remarkably, neither of these businesses would have carried furniture in this style. So, where did it come from?? The only logical answer: from the Lawn & Garden Department in the pit of Hell.
